frustration

is having an ever present gap between yourself and the world around you.  I can’t communicate myself effectively to another person without getting angry because they just can’t understand what it’s like to have to sleep on top of a trash compactor, or some clearing far enough off the road that nobody knows you’re there.  They don’t understand what it’s like to have been left out for so long with nothing to live for.

Human beings need positive social contact.  When you’re ready to take ANY social contact, even a beating, just to have the attention of another person for a little while, you may as well be a dog… and that’s what I was.

Nobody can really say they understand another person, but they all have these common connections… things about them which are similar.  Things such as religion, race, and common experiences cause human beings to form social circles.  Those who are left out for too long go insane.  That’s not to say that all insane people are social contact fruitcakes, just that most of those who can’t find social contact wind up counted among their ranks.

Homeless people are a people without race or creed.  We’re looked down on equally by all people.  Those who need to feel powerful abuse the homeless because nobody will care.  Those who need to feel good about themselves will give you a buck or two.  Sometimes you find kind people where you think there are none, and for a moment you have hope, but by the end of the day that money is gone, you’re sleeping in a field under a tarp or a ratty blanket that’s seen too many rainy nights.  Sometimes you’re sleeping in a cardboard box…. they actually hold heat pretty well if you do it right.

Frustration is not being able to talk to another person because they can’t understand you and you can’t understand them.  Frustration is spending the whole of your life looking for a way to be able to empathize with the people that turned you into an animal and made you beg for their scraps.

Frustration is knowing that the fact that you’re still trying just confirms the fact.

Frustration is being unable to go 24 hours without somebody making fun of me, and being unable to make it stop because they don’t understand that I’ve heard that joke literally countless times.  That it’s been used as a stick to beat me all my life and that every time somebody cracks a joke when I introduce myself it brings me a little closer to whatever monster is really at the bottom of this hole.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: